Love

I am humbled at the love that the Savior has for me, The constant care that comes on a daily basis, for the support as he so freely gives me, as I have taken the steps to come closer to him, and I have felt the veil become so thin. The love of the Savior so prevalent in my life lately. It has been a long time since I have written and as I have read over the thoughts that I have had over the past 3 years I have personally seen growth, I have seen the progress of my learning and progress of my obedience rise to new levels.

October 28, 2009 has been a while in the past now, however I have a deeper love for my Savior, family and friends. Expressing gratitude for this tapestry, yet again the Lord has opened the door to move on with my life, following the Spirit and under his delicate direction, I have had personal experiences that have changed once a bitter, depressed soul one that completely focused on himself to the constant need to assist others, to a positive and unselfish individual that has the burning desire to do what is right, seeking the focus to be shifted from the Inner of me to the inner of others.

This was my final year of the era of EFY I have witnessed for myself the guidance for the Spirit in the changing of lives, the love of the Savior and the guardrails that come with obedience. The youth of the Church seem to get more and more valiant as the years go by. President Ezra Taft Benson truly foresaw and was a prophet he has stated “For nearly six thousand years, God has held you in reserve to make your appearance in the final days before the Second Coming. Every previous gospel dispensation has drifted into apostasy, but ours will not.... God has saved for the final inning some of his strongest children, who will help bear off the kingdom triumphantly. And that is where you come in, for you are the generation that must be prepared to meet your God...." Make no mistake about it you are a marked generation” I have seen these prophesy come to pass and will continue to see how valiant these youth are. Oh how I am just a man but have an opportunity to witness for myself the workings of our Father in Heaven as he works one on one with us.

I wish to relate one of the most precious experiences that happened this summer. During the overnight sessions of EFY we have a lights out curfew of 10:30 this ensures the youth to get adequate sleep to function the next day and be alert, however Friday night we implement Friday night lockdown. For some reasons some youth try to sneak out, and some just want to have big slumber parties. I recall a young woman that struggled so much one week this past summer, she was just not nice, didn’t care about anyone’s feelings, and didn’t care about rules or guidelines. She had a great counselor, by Friday she was fed up with everything. She had enough with this young woman and knocked on the girls door, the door kind of creaked open and the counselor noticed that she was in bed however she noticed as the door opened wider, the youth had made her bed using pillows and other forms of cloth to be in the shape of a human body, and she was hiding behind the door trying not to get caught, the counselor asked the her what she was doing and made the her get into bed, as this youth was screaming at the top of her lungs at this “stupid counselor” the counselor just snapped and just laid into this her. The words that came out of this counselor were you are a mean person and you have poisoned many this week you have been a tool in the hands of Satan and he has used you in ways that have been distracting others from feeling the spirit. I hope that you understand that you are better than that; you are a Daughter for the most high. And he expects more of you. As this young woman hears this she breaks down and lunges for this counselor and to her surprise the youth is sobbing to the point the counselors shirt is soaked to the sleeve and was dripping wet. The counselor then took a few moments to teach this young woman about her individual worth, then she left to tend to something else for about 10 minutes or so, when she comes back the youth had written a letter to herself and asked her counselor to read it and in 6 months to mail the letter to her. The last line of the sentence is the most beautiful knowledge from an 18 year old that I have ever heard. It reads the “2 most important days of our lives, one the day that we were born and the second the day we find out why.”

I testify I have found out my reason for me being here, I have found out my calling and why I struggle the way I do. SSA was given to me because I have a loving Heavenly Father that needed me to go through this that I too will become like him. I testify that these experiences that I go through are not punishment for the mistakes for my parents, or for me in my first estate, for I know for assuredly that I kept that estate and served valiantly. I was in that Army that battled Satan and cast him from our Heavenly Home. I too must continue that battle here in this estate. I too have the blessing in this life to be married to the most beautiful girl in the world. I will be married to my best friend. I have met her and cherish her for who she is and who she stands for. She understands me because she understands her Heavenly Father and the way he communicates with her.

Last night I had one of the greatest talks with a friend that I did not know struggles with SSA we talked for about 2 and a half hours last night. I understand now why it is that I struggle; I have a work to do and need to learn to follow promptings that come from the Spirit. My friend will now be a thread in my tapestry along with me in his. We have a common struggle and we will prevail. We will be a support and strength to each other.

It is experiences like this that cause to forget about myself and work on helping others. I love him that sent me here to learn and grow from SSA and rely upon him, I am not strong enough to do this on my own and he has led me in lighted paths. I have seen his footsteps before me so I know where and when to step, he is my king and my father. I love him. I honor him and cherish my knowledge and growth. Of these things I testify in His holy name, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Creating my Tapestry.

Lately my thoughts have been focused on this subject, listening to General Conference in my car every day to and from work have caused me to remember the experiences that I have had on my mission about priesthood power, I remember because of the faith that I cultivated while serving faithfully I truly saw miracles, I wish to express thanks to a loving Heavenly Father for these blessings, I express my gratitude for the continued faith and prayers in my behalf for this trying time in my life. It hasn’t been easy but I have found out that I am a completely different person than I was a year ago, battle wounds and all. Through the sunshine and the hail that life provides I truly am grateful for my trails, I have moved from Provo, now live in Lehi with the best roommates that I could ask for at the moment. I have seen the hand of friendship from many in my ward and have felt like I am needed, I received a calling in this new ward that has honestly made me think about what it is that I need and want in this life, teaching Gospel Doctrine and also as the Ward Sunday School President I have felt the urgency to rethink temptation and follow what may seen the hardest road fighting temptation than to give in and then make that long road of repentance, yet by no means I am perfect and do make mistakes, just because I let my guard down. I want you to know that I have witnessed the healing power of the Savior, it is he that gently chastises me though yet he willingly forgives me. I have come to know on a deeper level of the constant care of the Savior in my life.

This Summer I was an EFY Counselor in AZ, NV, and UT. Working on a daily basis with young men and young women, I have come to really care for youth of the Church, and know that they are getting stronger and stronger each continuing year. I think of an experience I wish to relate to you.

While attending a week in Flagstaff AZ I was a counselor to 12 young men, many of them tried to play the card I am too cool for you, their attitudes were that of I really don’t need you, but don’t get me wrong they had testimonies of the Gospel but didn’t really come to EFY for the spiritual aspect but just to hang out with females. Naturally that is what 14-18 year old boys have on their minds. Ha-ha. But anyways I tried real hard to relate and understand where they were coming from. By Wednesday night (Pizza Night) it hadn’t clicked for them yet, as to why and what it is they needed in this life. So I actually pulled 3 of the boys aside and had a frank conversation discussing the need for their assistance in keeping the rules of EFY and let them know that I was concerned for them. We then finished the conversation and I released them back with the other boys for the devotional, that night’s devotional talked heavily on the topic of the Atonement and what it means to them. I felt the spirit enter the room and start testifying of what I had been teaching many of them had felt the spirit to the point of their eyes glazing over from the extra amount of water filling their eyes. As I finished I testified to them of what the atonement has done for me and reassured them that if it was their will, the atonement can be applied that same way to them. That night lights went out a little earlier that normal. Many had written the impressions that had come; I really appreciated what I had felt and did likewise. I was sitting in the hallway outside a room; one of the boys that I pulled aside and talked with was staying in that room I sat by, as I sat there talking to another counselor, the door opened and the very boy that I talked with stepped out of the door, and with tears in his eyes, looked down at me to apologize for his disobedience.

I stopped him and asked him a few questions, at this time I knew that I was already emotional and that I would probably start tearing up.

I stated… “You were just Praying weren’t you?”
His reply… “Yes”
I stated… “You felt the Spirit didn’t you?”
His Reply… “Yes”
I stated… “Well what are you going to do about it?”
His Reply… “I have to Change….”
I stated… “Well I need to write your impressions down you will have times in your life that will be tough but you will look back on this evening and remember that you felt it and that you felt the need to change.”

We ended the Conversation and as the door closed quietly behind him I head him sobbing back to his bed, I then broke down looking at this other counselor that was sitting with me he was sobbing; I know that the Spirit impressed upon him the love that Heavenly Father has for him. I know that he felt it. The next day was testimony meeting; his roommate got up and bore a simple yet powerful testimony; he had been praying for years for his friend to feel the spirit and that he would know that the Spirit is there to lead and guide us back to our Heavenly Father. He then stated that he was grateful that Heavenly father let him witness his prayer being answered as he heard his roommate sobbing by his bedside.

It is these experiences that lead me to believe the Quiet whisperings of the Holy Ghost do come even to the most rebellious but I love the rebels and find great joy in this service. I have also come to know that I miss the mark many times; however my experiences tie me back to the Beautiful tapestry called life. There are never any imperfections in this tapestry but only considerable love that ties us together. I thank the Lord daily for the reminiscing of great memories and hope to keep that trait burning within me forever and ever.

It's Been a long time,

I have just been so busy with things and really have had no desire to write, I just have had long nights, this is how it all starts... 2 weeks before Christmas a girl has been chatting with me almost every night until 12-1 in the morning, I find it crazy about the whole situation and this is not an easy situation that I am in, she is a beautiful girl, and I like to be around her, but however I think she wants more, but I do not feel the same, she is attending BYU-I and makes random trips to Utah to "visit" her brother and sister-in-law... but mainly spends the weekend with me. we share many things in common, we both have a passion for Photography and music, but however at the moment I don't think I could even consider a "Girlfriend" I just don't want to hurt anyone. I have hung out with the whole family, have dinner with the parents and they like me, but it is just tough what do I do?

My Reflections from this past month.

I have had many opportunities to reflect this past month on the simple things that the Gospel has to offer, I really have had an amazing month from the events of Family History to a set of best friends getting married, to most of all the quiet whisperings for the Spirit that teaches truth and gives eternal light. As I have reflected on many past experiences there has one thing that consistently been a common thread in my life, as President Hinckley something similar in one of his final talks, about the gospel in his own life. That common thread in my life has been my friends, the people I associate with in a deeper level than just the common “Hi” I have noticed that I am the person I am today because of the people I was around, as I look back and noticed a couple of period in my short lived life, I have seen time of Joy and Happiness, but also grief and pain, those time of grief and pain were because I had not chosen to do things that were right in the sight of a forgiving Heavenly Father, however the Joy and Happiness has been granted based on making right and wise choices of true and honest friends, I feel that these friends made it possible for the more opportunities to be blessed and availability for the Spirit to work with me in times that I needed it the most.

Another thing that I have reflected on is, Family. I don’t have the most active family in the aspect of the Church, but I love them dearly, they are great and I love them for that. I appreciate them for the love and help/support that they give. That is one reason that I have dedicated most of my life and time at this moment to Family History Work, there is such a power that comes as a reveal that next generation it is as if I personally feel them shouting for joy due to me finding them, and knowing that I will be shortly taking their name to the House of the Lord to have their ordinances done for them, I have been humbled time and time again based on the findings that I continue to see. I once thought that I would never have this family that has been through the process of all the ordinances that the Temple has to offer, However the Lord promised it to me and is making a way, my ancestors may have never talked or walked with the Prophet Joseph Smith, they know will soon have the blessing of him through the Holy Temple.

The last thing I wanted to share with you is in this season that we gather a church membership for General Conference, I personally love the week prior, preparing by reading or watching the previous conference I feel the rush of the Spirit as I am prepared for the doctrine and lessons that will be taught external and internal by wise men as the speak with the authority given from Heavenly Father. As we prepare for this conference, we will hear the messages from the Prophets and Apostles of the Lord Jesus Christ, he will call his new apostle and once again speak to us in the voice of his ordained and appointed leaders, one lesson that I continue to learn from is Elder Jeffery R. Holland’s message the ministry of angels, that angels are sent to help in time of need, Elder David A. Bednar’s lesson on Prayer, and praying always, and to Elder D. Todd Christofferson’s message on Zion and being a Zion like people. I urge you to seek these lessons and may others as we prepare for this coming weekend, whether we spend it with family or friends may the lessons that are taught touch us in the same way but have those different meaning to us all. Is my prayer in the name of the Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

Getting better! Looking up and learning from the past!

So I attended this month’s Northstar fireside with a friend of mine, I noticed that I really haven’t given any credit to him or anyone else, I know that many of my closest friends that know about this issue have helped in a big way, and I have not yet completely let them know that I appreciate them and their contributions in my life. Thanks D, A, J.

Also let’s just say that I have been more needy and clingy in just wanting a friend that I could talk to… but I have gone about it in the worst possible way, the constant texts that seem to be sometimes desperate to the point that even I would not have wanted to talk to me, but again I want to say thanks for you that have continued to help. I realized that I asked sometimes more than you can give. But somehow you have been able to calm my frequent panic attacks and negativity. I hope that it didn’t damage friendships, but if it has I hope that it will mend. I am changing and getting better, I do have days that are tough but mostly I feel fine. I want to have the relationships that are involved with sports, activities that SGA isn’t brought up and not the focused. It is my personal goal that I will not bring it up unless it is prompted by the spirit and is in the setting of learning and teaching. I want the friendships of understanding friends, and I have relied mainly on those and they are burnt out by my constant chatter on the subject. I will focus on the Positive, and overcome the bad days!!! While running tonight I realized that I can accomplish anything and that I am a strong person, I am alive! I survived an abusive father and many, many hard times! This too shall pass. Elder M. Russell Ballard stated “We need to remember to be still and know that he is God” I wish for the Savior to Heal my wound but to leave the scar, this scar is a unique mark that my Heavenly Father will know me personally! I am beginning to understand the need for great friends and to treat them with respect and understand the balance in conversations; I want to get to know these friends in the friend aspect not just as one that struggles as I do, but what they enjoy, have activities with them and their friends, and vice versa. This is a very humbling time for me and the Lord is teaching me the very importance of friendship. I am thankful for this trial, and like any other trial I have the hopes that it will pass, for hopefully soon before I push people away. I love the Lord he is that of what he claimed to be even the Son of a Living Perfect Father and all knowing. I guess one of my thoughts are I have been to my bishops and my closest friends that are able to give priesthood blessings, and never have they ever been able to shed light on the subject I hope that the Lord will provide a way for me to finally get a blessing that is strictly on this subject so that it will give me the proper way to channel those feelings of attraction, trial, and discouragement to positive aspects.

If you have any thoughts about what I can personally do feel free to post a comment or email me anything will be accepted at this point.

An Update!

So I bought this talk on CD, from Brad Wilcox that has been a big help in all aspect of my life, this morning I am finally happy, it has been a while! A while! looking a previous posts it has been tough and many of you probably think that I was just plain crazy, but I am happy to say that I am finally happy, things have started to look up and I am doing well,

In "Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts" Brad Wilcox States many related stories that I have seemed to be experiencing, from thoughts and Dreams just plain unhappiness. He suggests 12 things to implement "Test" and see where it goes from there. These 12 things I have not completely done but many I have and I have seen improvement.

These 12 things are:

*Replace wrong thoughts with right ones.
*Remove Stumbling blocks
*Change Environments
*Do something Active
*Do all that stuff.
- Prayer
- Scripture Study
- Attend all meetings.
*Celebrate Private victories
*Be with others
*Understand Dreams
- (Not that of Joseph of old, but just realize they are just that a Dream.)
*Remember the Savior
*Request a Blessing
*Think it through the end
*Keep Perspective.

This has helped I feel Happy Finally Happy. I feel the Spirit more that I have lately and that is something to be happy for!

Thank you for understanding.

Well I came Clean!

I told my mother!

I am feeling a little awkward but also a weight is lifted, I did let her know that I desire to be married to a woman but however I cannot see it anytime soon, she was understanding and did everything that a loving mother would do to a child, yet I just have this feeling of weirdness that she knows, but however it has only been 12 hours, however I feel at peace and things will be looking up from here!



I recently have been blessed to have a boss that will pay me and appreciate me and the work that I do. I understand the meaning of great friends, and that they are placed in my life for reasons, Valentines Day, I was invited to go to a stake conference in Lehi, where M. Russell Ballard would be the presiding authority, as I sat at the feet of an Apostle I felt the Spirit of the Lord testify that "Be Still and Know That I Am God!" that these tender mercies come from understanding who you are as a individual and a child of a loving Heavenly Father. as the meeting ended Elder Ballard the stepped off the stand and walked up to the group of my friends and myself and shook our hands, it was a moment that I will never forget, I will cherish this moment for the rest of my life and thank my friend for inviting me to that special evening however most of all I thank my Heavenly Father for understanding me and know exactly what it is I needed to hear!